Author: Tim

An animator, video producer, Lego artist, and author—I am moderately skilled at a lot of different things.

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Go back to bed, America

About a year ago, I had expressed some apprehension about the dangers of the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva and how the experiments it was designed to carry out could spell disaster for all the atoms that make up my body and all my stuff.

Since then, the project’s scientists have quashed suggestions that the experiment could cause the destruction of the Earth. Meaning we can all breathe easy now. Or as Homer once said (sorry, not that Homer), “I’m alive! From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest!”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a bag of pork rinds to eat in front of the TV.

Tags Blinded by Science

…First?

Post author By Tim
Post date June 29, 2007
4 Comments on …First?

Destined to become the Hampster Dance/all your base/such-and-such ate my balls/Swatch internet time/Star Wars Kid/O RLY?/Numa Numa/Chuck Norris/Lazy Sunday/Dick in a Box/LOLcats/Drama Prairie Dog of its day, here’s my requisite 2 cents on the iPhone phenomenon.

It shouldn’t be long until I get my own! After all, here’s me first in line at the Apple store in Century City…

…what do you mean the line starts around the corner? What do you mean there are 400 people in line already??

After looking at that long and tiresome list of internet memes, I can’t help but feel a little sad that I can recall all of them from memory, but can’t remember how to find the area of a triangle. Now just let me re-cut this post as a horror movie/romantic comedy trailer and I think we’re all set.

Tags I thought it was funny

Spam: the great educator

Post author By Tim
Post date June 29, 2007

As a bachelor on the go, I don’t have a lot of time for book learnin’. So I’m grateful that spammers have taken it upon themselves to forward me the classics of contemporary literature. Today, Vicki Rosenberg (a.k.a. wandelas_21@hotmail.com) decided to send me a few excerpts from Tony Burgess’s classic novel A Clockwork Orange.
fat stinking billygoat Billyboy in poison. How art thou, thou globby bottlesometimes to slooshy what some of these starry decreps had to say about lifegoing "Oh oh oh." I said, smiling very wide and droogie: "Well, if it isn'tmore than ten, she creeching away but with her platties still on. Billyboyyarbles, you eunuch jelly, thou." And then we started.number for an auto, and six being the outside limit for gang-size. Sometimes Of the four of us Dim, as usual, came out the worst in point of looks,singing. The song went:losing his guard and letting in old Dim with his chain snaking It was round by the Municipal Power Plant that we came across Billyboysomething was orbiting within, or like some very rude interrupting sort of athat came out of his filthy old rot. Then we went on our way.go of this boo-hooing little ptitsa, there being plenty more where she came So we cracked into him lovely, grinning all over our litsos, but hegangs would gang up so as to make like malenky armies for big night-war, butsort of a world is it at all? Men on the moon and men spinning round theshut up singing and started to creech: "Go on, do me in, you bastardthat came out of his filthy old rot. Then we went on our way.veshch I could never stand was that. I could never stand to see a moodge allthat came out of his filthy old rot. Then we went on our way.number for an auto, and six being the outside limit for gang-size. Sometimessomething that made me want to sick just to viddy his fat grinning litso,still went on singing. Then we tripped him so he laid down flat and heavy

Can’t wait to find out how it ends! Please, continue to send me unsolicited emails in the future. Hopefully I’ll get the rest of Thoreau’s Walden in the next missive from my good pal “Heightened libido“.

(Also, anybody know where I can score some cheap Valium?)

Tags I thought it was funny

Make it Quick

Post author By Tim
Post date June 15, 2007

While poring through my own overlong posts pontificating on concepts I do not fully understand, I came to realize why most writing on the web sucks. It reminds me of the quote from Blaise Pascal (or maybe Mark Twain) that goes something like: “I sent you this longer letter only because I did not have the time to make it shorter.”

Consider brevity and you’ll make a stronger point. Either that, or write for Wikipedia.

(That diminishing return of useful knowledge mentioned above is the effect of what’s known as the bike shed problem.)

Tags Genuine Sarcasm

Blog

Shiva and the Case for The Big Crunch

Post author By Tim
Post date June 14, 2007

Yes, the universe is expanding, and I’m sad to report, it’s speeding up. By this time a dozen billion years or so from now*, all the matter in the universe will be so dissipatted that each celestial body will be beyond the reach of the other’s gravity and the universe will keep expanding and cooling, until it’s nothing more than the proverbial dust in the solar wind. Enjoy it while it lasts.

*assuming you aren’t reading this in 12,000,002,007 A.D.

Why is the universe expanding and where will it all end? This deserves a longer explanation than I’m capable of, involving gravity, dark matter and the cosmological constant. But what I can do is sum up the end of the universe thusly:

Have you ever known an explosion to collapse back in on itself?

Tags Blinded by Science

Blog

There’s no way to emphasize in July

Post author By Tim
Post date May 18, 2007

Two weeks without posting anything is kinda irresponsible of me.

For those waiting with bated breath, I can assure you that another Emergency 411 segment is on the way. Still, in the process of creating a 30-second cartoon, I can’t leave well enough alone and feel compelled to sift through multiple takes of audio for the one that just emphasizes everything just right.

It reminds me of Orson Welles, at one time the director of the greatest film ever made, who later in his career expelled his creative energy trying to hit the sweet spot on a commercial voice over for a can of peas.

But first a little background. Orson Welles, director of Citizen Kane and War of the Worlds, each a milestone in film and radio, is perhaps better known for his late career work shilling for Paul Masson wines.

Tags Cartoons, Emergency 411, Orson Welles

I am the light of the world

Post author By Tim
Post date May 7, 2007
4 Comments on I am the light of the world

I just had a religious experience. Or, at least as close as I’m going to get to one.

It was over a TV program called “The Sun” — a show so minor, The Science Channel doesn’t even have a web page for it. In it, Dr. Paul Scowen of Arizona State University described the simple process by which our universe went from a soup of positively-charged quanta of energy, each orbited by its own negatively-charged, smaller unit of energy, to you at this very moment reading these words. Stopping to consider that, I was reminded of just how elegant and beautiful the universe is. And it all started with a cloud of atoms.

It will sit there for thousands, and in some cases, millions of years… What you need to do to get the star formation process going is you need to kick it with something. That can be an impact on the cloud from one side by a supernova blast wave — a massive star has gone boom at the end of its life, and that sends out in all directions, very energetic compression waves that hit the gas and compresses it.

The first stars formed out of dense clouds of hydrogen. Then, when they died, their supernovas sent out shockwaves to jumpstart the creation of another generation of stars. It’s a perfectly simple method for increasing complexity in the universe, and it all runs automatically!

Tags Blinded by Science

Emergency 411 Video

Having a Baby

Post author By Tim
Post date April 28, 2007

I’m back with another installment of Emergency 411 — the answer guide with all the answers. In this episode, experience the joy and potential financial windfall that comes with having a baby.

Don’t let the fact that I’ve never fathered a baby have any bearing on my credentials in this matter. By now you should already know not to take my advice.